God is LOVE...

I know that talking about Religion is a sure fire way to gain or lose friends & business. Yet, if you know me then you already know my stance on this stuff & I'm sure you will still be around after you read this. 


I'm told that because I'm Transgender that I can't love God nor be a  "REAL" Christian. I have been condemned & judged from every pulpit Sunday after Sunday. Every time it's done  in the name of God. Which caused me to think about how religious people treat other's who take a different path in life. 


Jesus taught about several things but the main thing he taught and showed was LOVE. He also went on to say, "Let he that is without sin, cast the first stone." Buddha said, " LOVE is the absence of judgement." Muhammad said, " Do you love your creator? Love your fellow beings first!" Judaism teaches people to "Love you neighbor like yourself." 


My point is that all those leaders said the same thing in different ways & it's common sense. They didn't leave those mandates with a list of people to hate on the side. If so please forward it to me @ compl3xaj@gmail.com Thanks. The mandate was pretty clear or was it just me that got it? If LOVE is the founding directive of most religions what did we miss? Some of the most "Christlike or God like" people have no religion at all. I have crossed paths with so many people in this life & the ones who were the most loving were those people. They saw pass my outside appearance, my lifestyle and even my flaws. They loved me in spite of. Isn't that what LOVE is?   


I do know lots of people who are in the church & love me as well but I notice that love comes with extra stuff. In other words it's conditional. It's I love you but only if you do this or say this. It's sad but that's how it is. 


The biggest thing I deal with from my family & some so called friends is the constant reminder that I am living in SIN & I am going to HELL. I mean I live in SIN CITY & (I don't mean the titty bar in the BX) Ok, if that's how you feel. What does SIN have to do with LOVE? To put your arm around someone who is trans, gay, les, an addict or whatever u deem unworthy has nothing to do with enabling them or accepting their way of life.  It has everything to do with being a good person, friend & human being. 


I don't care to debate SIN, because SIN is personal & this is my cross to bear. I know there are some of you screaming at the screen but my bible says this..Uh huh but does that make your evil ways any better? No matter what you believe there is someone who believes that you are wrong or that your beliefs are illogical. People from other countries think us Americans have it all wrong in terms of how we operate but that doesn't stop this show does it? Even if they don't agree with us we don't think it's ok for them to bomb us or hate us. You still want people to respect your beliefs, whether they agree or not. 


I do care to know why  my own mother doesn't love me or never has yet she calls herself a Christian. Or why churches spew hate & ppl just sit there & clap like it's nothing. Everyone seems to be in perfect standing with GOD. Yeah right.. "Disparity & difference have nothing to do with love. It's so easy to cast out a group of people & get a army behind you who support the madness. That way your hate becomes their hate & the cycle keeps going. I get it. I know I'm unworthy of your LOVE. Knowing this helps me sleep better at night. It's ok. Such is life.


I challenge you all to reach out to someone who you deem different or who isn't on the same path as you & give them a hug. Tell someone who is lost they can be found. Don't judge. Just talk. Tell them you love them. Sit next to that flaming guy in church & don't cringe just hug him. Be genuine. Watch & see what happens. REAL LOVE is CONTAGIOUS. Believe it! 

Do Black People Swim?

<<<How do I go from here

Can black people swim? Are black people afraid of water? Yes. & Yes again. I was born & raised in NYC & lived there all my life until almost a year ago when I relocated to California. Now living out here has caused me to come face to face with my nemesis WATER. Outside of showering & drinking I don't mess with pools, beaches etc. However, I love WATER. Kinda weird huh? I know. Now despite that fear my ass still goes to pools & beaches. I don't do much but hey getting in is the 1st step right? Anyone who know's me also know's I love Sharks & Aquariums. In fact Swimming with Sharks in Australia is on my Bucket list. I did recently find out that I may be able to do this in California so I'm even more hyped. Now back to the issue at hand.

I am going to go out on a limb & say that most blacks don't swim because of FEAR. Yes, that FEAR of water has been passed down from generation to generation . Another reason is because of segregation. Blacks couldn't swim with whites or drink from the same fountain etc. Some blacks were even told to swim in creeks instead of pools. Now while this has changed for the most part it is still embedded in the back of some people's mind.  I remember growing up in the projects in Brooklyn & in the summer all my Puerto Rican friends would go to the beach and pool but we were never allowed to go. I mean NEVER. My mother just simply wouldn't let us go. She would always stuff like ya'll might drown or ya'll can't swim etc. Yet, she never took us to get swimming lessons. Hell, now that I think about it not many of my friends even knew how to swim. That instilled the fear of water in me. I always thought I was going to drown.

I know lot's of people will say black women don't get in water because they don't want to get their hair messed up but I will leave that alone because I think though it may be true for a few I don't think that's the majority. I think access has lots to do with it. If you go into most inner city neighborhoods they don't have many programs teaching black kids/adults how to swim. The NYC Parks Dept. offers a few classes but it's done through a lottery. If you don't get picked to a waiting list you go. I attended public school in New York & I don't even remember any of my schools having a pool. Lot's of parent's can't afford to send their kids to the YMCA for swimming lessons.

Out here in Cali swimming is required to graduate in most high schools. Studies show that you should start teaching your kids to swim as early as 4 or 5. So they get used to the water & don't develop a fear of it. However, if the parents have a fear it's highly unlikely that they will take their kids to get lessons. It's going to take community activists & organizations to ease that fear & help them learn to swim as well

Speaking of the media there aren't many black professional swimmers shown in the media. I can bet that most of you don't even know the people I will mention. It's not your fault. When I typed in Black Professional Swimmers even Google Images didn't have many pics. Sabir Muhammad, Alison Terry, Maritza Correia, Haley McGregory, and Cullen Jones are all professional black swimmers. Just a few but there are more. Google them & see for your yourself. 


I still don't know how to swim but in a few months I start swimming lessons. This is going to be very interesting. I am nervous as a black man in a KKK meeting but it needs to be done. Swimming isn't just an activity it's a life skill that every person be they black or white need to know. Wish me luck on my endeavors to tackle this myth that black people don't swim.... 

<<<To Here

Pic of The Day....

P.S. Dear Girl In The Mirror On Facebook, Put your tits away, get your ass up off that sink, put your middle finger down, respect yourself & then see how many guys still want to holla! Those are the winners! 

Day #7 & 8 (30 Day Challenge)

Day #7 What is your dream job & why?

My first dream job is to become a published author & motivate young people with my writing. I want to let them know you can overcome anything in life as long as you work hard & believe in yourself. The other thing I want to do is become a parent.. There is nothing greater than being a parent in my eyes. So that's most def gotta happen.

Day #8 What are 5 passions you have?

1. Writing. When all else fails that is the thing that makes me laugh, smile & cry. It's my therapy & my anti-drug!

2. My Family/Friends. The few that I do love & have relationships with. They have been  there for me at my best & worst.

3. My Future. I know that sounds crazy but I am kinda obsessed about making sure that it is better than anything I can even imagine.

4. Cooking. I was a CHEF in another life. I'm type nice in the kitchen..

5. Film. I want to make documentaries to inspire & uplift! That's something I will keep pursuing until I get there.

Day #6 (30 Day Blog Challenge)

Day #6 What is the hardest thing you ever experienced?

At the young age of 13 or 14  I entered Leake & Watts. These had to be some of the best & roughest years of my life. If you never been in the system then you won't understand but if you have then you will. I didn't want to be in the system & for the most part what kid does? I think I cried myself to sleep the 1st night there. I spent all my teenage years here until I aged out the system. Leake & Watts has taken some heat for several incidents taking place there & most recently Corey Foster died there. When I reflect back I can remember just about every good & bad thing that happened to me while I was there. Most times people want to reflect solely on the bad when it comes to the Foster Care system but I will talk about the good as well.

Let's start with the good. I came into the system angry & mad at the world. I hated my family for leaving me there but as time went on I adjusted. At L&W I learned about self preservation, loving other's so much more. The biggest thing for me was I got a family. A large family. Like all families we fought, laughed, cried everything.  People I would never met, had I not been there I am now still friends with years later. Staff who mentored me & who are still apart of my life to this day. They gave me arms to cry in & dealt with me on my best & worst days. When I went into crisis they would restrain me then talk to me right after. LOL. They loved their job. I learned that life wouldn't be easy & if I wanted something I had to go get it. I may not have had my biological family but they filled that void during those years.

Let's take a ride down memory lane.....

I remember feening to go the Teen Center seeing Cathy (or Big Yellow as I called her),  Ms.Robinson, Stacy, Gore, Mr.Rose, Quincy & Legrand. Or acting like I was sick just to see the clinic staff Vanessa, Munesta, Chris , Sharon & Mrs. Massop. I'd run to my room if they said they called Mike Devry & he was bringing the needle. FYI, he was a nurse first. Then once he became a boss I loved his office because he had all those toys. That place was a kids dream land. Now he's idk probably in a back room pushing papers lol. I used to be terrified of Walton, Rector & Ms. Packer & Ms. McCray both McCrays. They was some big chicks lol.. Cool as hell though. Whew they would bust ya balls for real. I think Ms. Packer worked every position at Leake & Watts lol..I liked sneaking off to the AOD to see Ms. Woodson & Mr. Clarke. The reason I still write is because of Mr. Lester Harper . He gave me my first journal & I still have it. Night school with Ms. Lookloy, Ms. Reece, Mr. Thomas & others was dope as hell. The support staff Walker & Smith were the best as well. I also miss Sister Barbara & her afro centric self. Lots of people may not remember her. I would go in crisis just so that Ms. Winter or Ms. Dormady would come visit me lol. I was a mess. I remember Whaley always looking out for me. He kept me in line or at least tried lol. He was the father I didn't have at the time. Of course Youth Night was dope with Father Cannady. Can't forget about always harassing the Independent Living staff Tashmiya Byers & Monique knowing damn well I wasn't going nowhere lol..Or doing silk screening with Owens & Mr. Lang. The old school Leake & Watts was so much fun & love. The staff back then loved the kids & their job. However, as the tides turned & different people took charge they fell all they way off.

Now let's fast forward to the stuff that people don't want to admit or turn away the blind eye too. I can honestly say I was one of the smart ones to get everything & then some out of Leake & Watts. I mean hey why not? That's where lot's of kids in the foster care system go wrong. They don't realize that 18 comes quick. Real quick. I don't seen many of my friends dropped off at the shelter with their stuff & a metro card. That's when it hits you like damn I messed up.

The Watts doesn't prepare most kids for real life. I remember when this kid spit in a staff's face & she got restrained & then sent to her room. Say what? Biggest mistake. Her ass would've been hauled off to jail or whopped in real life. I remember when I popped off on a staff & she popped right back. We were getting it in right in my room & then after a few minutes other staff came to break it up. See what I'm saying? That's realistic. I wasn't mad or didn't run to call the State because I knew she was human whether she got paid or not. That's real talk. Lot's of young people don't realize that shit we did on the Watts wasn't acceptable in the real world. You can't just curse people out & go off on them without them retaliating . The administration was very wishy washy. Sometimes they'd punish a kid, sometimes they wouldn't. Inconsistency at it's best. Another thing on the Watts I did that was crazy to the outside world is that I would have half my hair braided the other half out. Or I'd have on basketball shorts with sweats under. Goody would always make change. He hated that stuff. LOL.

Then funds started getting cut back & all those trips to the Dude Ranch disappeared & we would be going to the whack ass movies lol. Staff started quitting because they were not appreciated. So we lost the good ones & gained the ones who wanted a check. Then you had the one's who were brown nosing there way up the ladder. Hmmm... Mr.Cohen & Mr. Fuller. Ooops. I didn't say that. Yup, I did. Staff who were there for years were getting treating like crap by higher up's so the kids lost out. They were doing people dirty left & right. Like firing staff then trying to rehire them with less pay. Smh. Sad.

The politics at the Group Home were no different than those at the Residential. Mitchell was full of it. Once Ms. Winfield left that shit fell to hell. Yup yup. I miss her, that was my boo. Where is Betty? Even though she kicked my ass out out the group home. Yes, I got kicked out. I didn't even know that was possible. Smh. LOL. However, I have the gift of gab &  months maybe almost a year later I talked my way back in through what's her name Mendez..Smh. The best social worker's that GH had were Ms. Satterfield & Ms. McClean. I remember when my someone wanted me pull a prank on a social worker who had a baby by a married man who also worked at Leake & Watts. So my dumb ass acted like I was calling from the Maury Show & I wanted to have a paternity test done for her kid. Let me leave that alone. Hurst staff would be faking receipts & having us sign them. I signed so many lol. Sleeping they life away on the overnight shift. I remember when we snapped a pic of a night staff sleeping lmao. Evil. Some staff would even steal food. Smh. I can write a book on this stuff. I'd sometimes take the log book to my room for some late night reading & I'd be like what the hell. It looked like my niece could write better than that. I'm sure that was because a few of the staff didn't have HS educations. Yeah that's crazy but it's true. I got my sources lol. Hurst House went through more House Manager's than I can remember sheesh. It was HELL house. I only remember a few from The Ghetto Ass She Ratchett aka Ms. Wilform  to  Ms. Sticky Fingers Jordan to Ms. I don't know where she came from Nedd. Then I guess they got tired of hiring people so they would appoint a certain staff member to be HOUSE MANAGER. They had them do all the work but they didn't get no House Manager pay. LOL. Modern day slavery. The best day in Hurst was when Ms. Niasse & Ms. Dickson was about to get it popping. They were about to throw down. Now that is something that no one  in Hurst will ever forget.

However, the most scandalous stuff that I encountered at Leake & Watts were the staff who had relationships with the residents. Now I can write about this because I had several relations with staff. I never forgot when Jasmen my girl at the time caught me on South Broadway with a certain staff member from the clinic. I was busted. The next day I was called into Mike Devry's office & my boo was fired. Damn, I was tight.  I think that's why Tony Cohen didn't like me. I was chopping his Shrady & Brownell staff down . Most know, other's don't. I was involved in a 6 yr off/on relationship with one of my staff. At the time I thought was the shit. However, looking back it was the biggest mistake of my life. She turned me into a bitter ass dude who hated women even more than I already did. Just the fact that I had to have a secret relationship for all those damn years was enough to drive me crazy. However, unlike other residents I never spoke a word of my relations until now that is...LOL...

Ok, let me give a shout out to all the Leake & Watts past & present staff who did their job. If I don't list a name don't charge it to my heart, charge it to my memory....

(AOD) Woodson, Packer, Honeywell, Boone
(School) Lookloy, Reece, Deans, Lang, Owens, Shell, Carter, Negron, Cowans, Smith, Walker, Stevens, St.John, 
(Rec Dept.) Robinson , Cathy, Gore, Rose, Stacy, Quincy. LG
(Brownell) Roulach, Carver, Myers, McCray's, Mr. Massop, Glover, Whaley, Adams, LaRue, Youngblood
(Shrady) Faulkner, Hodge, Bean, Bowery, Hill, Petrie,Washington, Donadelle, Kelley, Petrie, Lopez, Tamika Davis
(Davis) Palmer, Philpot, Butta, Lyons,
(Wagner) Johnson, Jackson, Shubrick, 
(Weeks) Johnson
(Diagnostic) Prioleau, Smith, Adams
Misc..Winter's (sister & brother), Dormady, Father Cannady. Ms. King. Effie, Mr.Nelson
All the clinic staff.
Ms. Wallace (Salon)
Mr. Bradshaw


Group Home


Kerry, Camille & Shelba (The Best In The World!! )
Winfield, McClean, Sattersfield, Tashmiyah, Monique
Howard, Roche, Brooks, McGill, Mabry, Davis, Blake..Niasse & Dickson for the best almost fight ever!




GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN..GOODY,MS.WASHINGTON, MS.SNELL,  MR.SIMPSON










I SHOULD START A PETITION FOR MS.WOODSON TO RUN LEAKE & WATTS. SHE BEEN THERE LONG ENOUGH & SHE KNOW THE IN & OUTS. PLUS SHE COOL. WHAT YA'LL THINK?

Day #5 (30 Day Blog Challenge)

Day #5 What are 4 things that make you the most happy right now?

1. Sobriety. Looking back I didn't think I could function without some sort of drug making me numb but I am doing it now. Loving, & living life a million times better. I have learned that Sobriety is a life long journey & not just a destination. 
2. Not Fighting Every Battle. I choose my battles wisely. I don't need to fight every one. Sometimes you gotta know when to play your cards or when to fold. I see that now. That has made my days easier & my nights more peaceful.
3. Love. I have never been this happy in a relationship before EVER. I not only love HER but I like HER. That flew right over some of ya'll heads. I'll explain at a later time lol. 
4. Environment. I can walk outside like this..Need I say more? I could never do this living in Sumner Projects (Brooklyn) as a kid or the dusty ass streets of the South Bronx as an adult lol..

Day #4 (30 Day Blog Challenge)

Day #4 List 10 things you would tell your 16 yr. old self if you could...

1. What People Think About You Doesn't Matter. It's ultimately how you feel. Besides people aren't always thinking nor talking about you. 
2. Live in The Now. Don't spend your days wishing & hoping to turn 18 just so you can smoke & then 21 just so you can drink. Enjoy every day just as it comes because you never know when it may be your last.
3. Don't Judge People Based on Their Looks. This should be so simple yet it's can be so hard. Looks are deceiving remember that. Just because someone looks a lil rough around the edges doesn't mean they are. Everyone isn't in to keeping up with latest fashion trends. 
4. Meet New People. Try & meet a new person as often as you can. Don't put limitations as to what they should look like or have. You can gain knowledge & friendship from anyone who is willing to give it. 
5. Eat Healthy. Break the habit of fast food & sweets. It will hurt you later on in life. Oh how I wish I knew that. Smh. 
6. Learn To Let Go. In life there will be many things that you feel you can't live without but I am here to tell you that you can. You can't hold on to things that are draining you or taking you down a path of self destruction. 
7. Write Down Your Goals/Dreams. Think of what you want to accomplish & what your dreams are. Then put them on paper or a create a vision board. Place this paper or board somewhere where you can see it everyday. That will be your motivation. 
8. Save Your Money. I know you are thinking I'm 16 what do I need to save for? The earlier your saving habits starts the better you will be at it when you are older & working. Trust me on this. 
9. Travel. Leave your hood, block or whatever you want to call it every chance you get. Get out & explore the world. Open your eyes to different things, cultures etc. These places will give you a different outlook on life. 
10. Surround Yourself With Good Company. They say, "Birds of a feather flock together." With that being said be mindful of who is in your flock. If you are surrounding by negative people then you will become negative. You need people around you who can lift you up when you aren't at your best. Keep that in mind.